hilarity ensues.

jesuszilla @ 2009-06-02T09:24:00

2009-06-02T16:37:19Z

My mom and I went to Walmart this past weekend and got an incredibly chatty mulleted butch lesbian cashier who talked the whole time about her shitty employee discount and when she worked at Schuck's she got a 20% discount on parts and repairs except for oil and lube jobs, which I really did not need to hear or think about. She told us about three or four short tales of various employee discounts, and I really loved when she prefaced the last story with, "Did I ever tell you about my debit card incident?" She was the Walmart employee of the month. She said she really liked helping customers have the best possible Walmart experience. I was pretty scared and glad to leave.

jesuszilla @ 2009-05-28T10:32:00

2009-05-28T17:36:51Z

I'm going to start a band and call it Existential Funk, and we won't even have to play any music, because life is pretty much meaningless so why bother. We're going to be the greatest band in the world. Or the worst. Depends on your perspective.

jesuszilla @ 2009-05-22T15:58:00

2009-05-22T23:00:12Z

No, but I really wish I had.

jesuszilla @ 2009-05-06T01:44:00

2009-05-06T08:44:51Z

A couple of months ago Amazon added our zip code to their grocery delivery service, so we finally got to start having groceries delivered through the Amazon grocery store, which is so, sooo, sooo, SO! awesome, I cannot emphasize that enough. It doesn't completely replace going to an actual grocery store since they occasionally don't carry particular things we want, but what they don't have is few and far between, and the most important thing is they have amazing produce that we not only don't have to dig around and find, but what we're getting we would just never be able to find in such good shape anywhere in the first place.

You know how Amazon always tries to be "helpful" when you search for something like a lot of search engines going, "Did you mean [something spelled kind of the same]"? Last night when we were putting an order together Amazon had something awesomely retarded and off base to say about every goddamn thing I searched for.

If I search for the exact brand name the way it appears on the packaging and it takes me to a page of results, that sounds like one successful search with no additional help necessary, but um, guess not, apparently. Just out of curiosity I thought I would see what "Stauffer's" was, though, since they brought it up and everything and I've never heard of anything called Stauffer's.

So why the fuck suggest searching for it then if it doesn't exist? Moving on.

I actually put "Triscuit" initially, returning a page full of Triscuit choices with "Did you mean: triscuits" at the top that was totally irrelevant to everything but I still clicked on "triscuits" anyway to make the link feel like it meant something. Then I saw "biscuits" and got a craving for biscuits and put some biscuits in my virtual buggy. So I guess Amazon won that round. But now they are going to lose.

That's how it responded to "Marie Callender's".

And that's how it responded to "Martinelli". I searched for Martinelli - did I mean Martinelli's? Martinelli's - did I mean Martinelli's's? Martinelli's's - did I mean Martinelli's's's? Martinelli's's's's's's's's's's? I don't know what anything means anymore now, thanks.

Well, I just spent three swooning hours watching Jesus starring Jeremy Sisto as Jesus. That's right, THE Jeremy Sisto. He is so dreamy!!!! Yes, four exclamation points were necessary. His royal dreaminess commands it.

jesuszilla @ 2009-04-27T13:00:00

2009-04-27T20:00:34Z

Tiny Billy Idol button says hey.

Hey, tiny Billy Idol button. This shouldn't require much or really any explanation for why it's all kinds of greatness. I hate that you can't tell it's really tiny. The smallness of it makes me laugh. I can't believe so much excellence was crammed into a 1" circumference and then ended up at a thrift store with the pin on the back caught on the bottom of a wicker basket of random buttons of varying sizes selling for 10 cents each. I rescued it and now it's pinned on the piece of red fabric in the red bedroom corner. When I first got it, when I was in 9th grade, it spent a couple of weeks pinned to the front of one of the arm straps of my backpack, but then one day it fell off and I got scared to take it out of the house anymore. That has to be how it ended up where I found it, falling off and disappearing, someone couldn't have actually chosen to part with it. Because that suggests they weren't into Billy Idol anymore. Wow, the sadness of that possibility leaves me so dumbfounded I had trouble even just typing the words.

Billy Idol looking off in the distance, smoking and contemplating. Reflecting on why he rules, I imagine. Life must suck pretty hard for anyone needing more than that to illustrate the greatness of this button.

jesuszilla @ 2009-04-20T22:42:00

2009-04-21T05:42:09Z

btw

Yay

http://www.tvshowsondvd.com/news/State-The-Complete-Series/11738 !!!

exclamfuckingnation pointszzz

jesuszilla @ 2009-03-25T20:18:00

2009-03-26T03:26:51Z

I have been meaning to say this for a couple of weeks. Pizza Hut's new slogan is the most a-fucking-mazing thing I've ever heard.

!!!

GENIUS

That is all.

Oh, and one more thing:

THAT is all.

As you were.

jesuszilla @ 2009-03-20T12:16:00

2009-03-20T19:16:26Z

I am about to scream, even though I totally expected this bullshit to happen. Obama was not making fun of the Special Olympics or retarded people. He was saying the way Leno was clapping about his bowling score was like how you clap for someone in the Special Olympics. The only people upset about this are people - people who aren't retarded - on behalf of Special Olympics. I want to hear from an actual retarded person who was offended and feels oppressed by this obviously friendly joke at his own expense. Did the man flail around spastically and drool and say he bowled retardedly? That would be making fun of retarded people and in a public context uncalled for, unless you were being Jay Leno, at least. I've been known to do that every now and then around people I know really well. [But not always necessarily while emulating the retarded.] I wouldn't ever feel guilty for that, because I wouldn't ever condescend or make fun of retarded people directly or personally and I actually think retarded people are really awesome and wouldn't be surprised if there were a lot of retarded people who were better than me at most sports. These people upset at him feel guilty for secretly laughing at retarded people and automatically interpret a reference to "Special Olympics" as "making fun of retarded people" and are now trying to appease their guilt and show how much they paid attention in that mandatory diversity sensitivity class they had to go to by rushing in to stand up for an entire classification of people they obviously feel aren't capable of standing up for themselves, rather than choosing to bypass a kneejerk reaction and have a sense of humor and focus only on what he talked about which was the whole reason he went on the show in the first place. That sounds retarded to me. Besides, don't forget this is Mental Retardation Awareness Month. Obama was just doing his part to make sure everyone was aware. You know who else has been doing a pretty good job making everyone aware of retarded people? CEOs who give themselves and people who don't even work at a company bonuses.

This whole thing is making me pretty angry. You know what would cheer me up? If Obama issued the following statement:

"Hi, this is Barack Obama. Welcome to Retardation: A Celebration. Now, hopefully with this I'm going to dispel a few myths, a few rumors. First, the retarded don't rule the night. They don't rule it. Nobody does. They don't run in packs, and while they may not be as strong as apes, don't lock eyes with them. Don't do it. Puts them on edge. They might go into berzerker mode, come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows. You might be screaming 'no, no, no' - all they hear is 'Who wants cake?' Let me tell you something: They all do. They all want cake. Well, that's it for the celebration. The most important thing to remember is, they are just like you and me."

It really wouldn't do him any favors to do that, but it would be amazing to hear him make a Strangers with Candy reference.

jesuszilla @ 2009-03-16T17:04:00

2009-03-17T00:04:30Z

I don't even know what to say. It's hard to develop thoughts while I'm careening through a swirling black hole of fond, terrified memories. There goes yet another one of my nagging unsolved mysteries of something I saw on tv or in a book as a kid that I have/had zero details about that weren't completely disturbing and sounding like I'm not talking about something that could have even been real, thus rendering my sad search for information full of blank stares and mock referrals to psychiatrists, like Teeny Little Super Guy and the Munch Bunch. Well, good news, y'all. Slowly but surely, in your face crickets and tumbleweeds, I'm solving these mysteries and validating my vague ramblings.

I've been trying for way too long to find proof of the weird blue cartoon character trying to tell people about safety in PSAs for Duke Power I had sketchy memories of when I was little in North Carolina, but that was all I had to offer as a description, and what made the whole situation even more hopeless was by the time I was trying to remember this thing I lived in Seattle and knew no one who would have seen a commercial from North Carolina in the '80s. Except my mom, of course, but she remembered even less about it than I did. I received enough of a lack of help trying to describe the Munch Bunch to other people, so I kept the Duke Power mascot to myself. But I just found him!! His name was Zax, and he was a misshapen blue alien robot...um, thing, with an apparent death wish. His schtick was shoving metal utensils into electrical outlets and making toast while taking a bath and then being berated by a gang of children who always came along just in time to delay his inevitable death once more. Hmm. Well. So that's what I've been trying so hard to find information about. How bathetic. Can you believe "bathetic" is an actual word? It means anticlimactic, but sounds like "pathetic" with a sinus infection.

The wikipedia entry for Zax is pretty great, I can tell whoever wrote it was as angry as I was about not being able to remember anything or find any information about it:

"Zax was a cartoon robot employed by the Duke Energy (then called Duke Power) Corporation in the early to mid '80s to educate children on the dangers and how not to waste electricity. The voice of Zax was portrayed by Charlotte weatherman Larry Sprinkle.

In 1984 Duke Power decided to release a series of Public Service Announcements to educate children on how to be safe and use electricity efficiently. These cartoon PSAs featured a small, eager to learn robot named Zax, and a group of children who constantly had to keep Zax from getting injured or killed by electricity.

In the late '80s to early '90s Zax seemed to have disappeared all together. There is no mention of Zax on the Duke Energy website or anywhere else online. It's almost as if Duke Energy were trying to erase him from history. However, someone such as Zax who had such a profound effect on children of the '80s will never forget how much they learned from him."

There was also this equally hilarious and intense comment left by emilykepley on an electrical safety video in the "related" section where she expresses that she's "tried to find ANYTHING about zax online, and there is absolutely nothing to document his existance!!" She typed the words out of my mouth.

The filmstrip is pretty amazing. Embedding has been disabled by request, but everyone should totally watch it, if only to marvel at how it's a filmstrip that has been converted to video by turning it into a series of still frames matched with the filmstrip audio, and all of the stills show everyone's mouth wide open. One thing that will always be hilarious: Being frozen, with your mouth wide open, while your disembodied voice continues to be heard.

Zax is a fucking moron. "All this learning makes me hungry!" Oh, Zax. I hope they eventually just let him destroy himself. "Here, Zax, why don't you go take a bath and chew on a frayed live wire and don't come out until you're done. Emphasis on don't come out."

I am so disappointed that Duke Power/Energy/Whatevs has never taken advantage of the "Duke" and created a Dukes of Hazzard parody ad. It would be amazing, and full of hilarity and awesomeness. Well, it would be if I was in charge of things:

Bo and Luke are the Dukes of Hazard, helping folks in Hazzard County avoid and prevent electrical accidents because of their poor safety precautions due to years of chugging moonshine and inbreeding. Boss Hogg is the chairman and principle shareholder of Duke Power, and Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane always finds himself in dangerous situations getting hurt with electricity, because he is so focused on catching Bo and Luke and also he is legally retarded. He would be like, "I'm a get you varmints!!" running across someone's property, and he stumbles over the cord of an old ghetto radio on the ground that is plugged into a nearby generator, and gets the cord all wrapped around his leg and it makes him fall into one of those blue plastic swimming pools. He's okay, though, being electrocuted doesn't actually make him die for reals, since everyone in Hazzard County is immortal and not subject to the laws of the nature. But he is mighty steamed, especially since he let them Duke boys get away, and Boss Hogg is going to get his hide for this when he finds out. There are many lessons we can learn from Roscoe here: Not running on other people's property, not leaving radios or anything plugged in near water, and not messin' with Bo and Luke Duke, who are fixin' to blackmail Boss Hogg for all of the government bailout money he's been stealing and then giving to himself in bonuses. This message has been brought to you by your enemies at Duke Power.

Why can't I be in charge of things? I've been saying that shit for years.

HELP ME PLZ

2009-02-24T20:30:07Z

uh...

WHAT JUST HAPPENED

ha ha hee hee ha ha ho

2009-02-11T23:10:29Z

25. I loved 2008. There was just so much moving forward in all directions than ever. It was dynamite.

24. I saw Coraline on Saturday, and the theatre guy admitted me at the children's price just automatically. I didn't say anything, of course, but it was actually sort of embarrassing for once on a certain level since I didn't even ask for it and it didn't even save that much money anyway.

23. I go to a church only once a year, for Ash Wednesday. Even though I've always been private about my faith and feel uncomfortable "being" a Christian in concert with anyone else, observing Ash Wednesday is meaningless without the ashes and communion. Nothing puts life into perspective like memento mori.

22. My favorite movie is Sling Blade. I could watch that movie every day for the rest of my life and get something out of it every time. It's the movie equivalent of "Good Vibrations".

21. I sometimes spend an hour or longer just sitting in front of the mirror examining myself.

20. I've been thinking of what I would put on this list of 25 things for about a week now.

19. I love, love, love Britney Spears' Circus. Like listening-to-on-repeat-several-times-over-in-a-day totally addicted.

18. I discovered the magic of apple cider vinegar around April or May last year, and oh my god it rules so hard. I started off just drinking it, then I added on bathing in it and pouring it on my hair before washes. I haven't been sick or had a split end since.

17. We took an IQ test at the beginning of the quarter in some class I took about the brain 6 years ago and I scored a 133, and then at the end of the quarter we took the same IQ test again, at 10 in the a.m., after a night of solid drinking and smoking that had only ended a little under an hour before I took this IQ test, on which I scored a 135. True story.

16. I get really overheated and flushed easily in a warm environment, especially around my neck/throat and ears. It makes me cranky and light-headed.

15. Waiting for transportation and walking slow drive me crazy. I get jittery and restless.

14. I have a symbol from Kyle XY on my stomach.

13. I am fascinated by puzzles and word and number games. My favorite is one I got around my birthday last year called Triominoes. My least favorite is one I got with it called Tri-Tac-Toe. Man, fuck that, I can't even figure out how to fit the pieces in the little tray where you try to solve it. [edit: I just noticed it is actually called "Think-Tac-Toe", which really makes it suck even more.]

12. I'm a pretty emotional person, and I hate when someone gets in the way of how I'm feeling.

11. I have a congenital thyroid disorder that manifested when I was 11 but took 3 years of differential diagnoses to figure out and 2 years to stabilize because less than 5% of the world has been identified with it and most of them are in Japan because Japan is the only country that had ever conducted a study about it. Ugh.

10. I've taken 12 different pills every morning and night starting from when I was 13.

09. I cannot fucking stand asymmetry. Or odd numbers.

08. Nicolas Cage is one of my favorite actors. Yes, it feels weird to say that, but seriously, he's really fucking amazing. Just look at his appearance as Brad's Bud in Fast Times At Ridgemont High. He was so amazing, he didn't even need to speak!

07. I have very few constants in my life, and no routines. I hate feeling locked in.

06. I have a healthy amount of self-esteem and consider myself to be really pretty, but nine times out of ten I won't accept a compliment.

05. I have a crush on Chris Matthews.

04. I loves me some pesto.

03. I don't wear a bra. Ever.

02. The way I normally act when I'm being friendly is usually interpreted as flirting or me being in love with them or something. I hate this because it means I can't do the things I want to do as someone's friend all because of their dumb issues that have nothing to do with me.

01. As of right now, I have the following Munch Bunch books: Meet the Munch Bunch, Adam Avocado, The Banana Bunch, Bounce, Button and Tiny, Chunky Pineapple, Corky Coconut, Corny-on-the-Cob, Dick Turnip, Lucy Lemon, Nurse Plum, Olive, Peanut, Pedro Orange, Pete Pepper, Percy Prune, Pippa Pear, Professor Peabody, Runner Bean, Sally Strawberry, Spud, Supercool, Tom Tomato, Wally Walnut. The bold ones are first editions. I think I'm done getting them, the ones that are left don't really interest me enough to justify spending money on. Well, Rory Rhubarb's story sounds kind of cool: Rory's friends overlook all his strange habits and consent to look for an elusive beast he tells them about. I just haven't come across it yet. You know, these characters have such harsh situations. I almost cried during Sally Strawberry. Sally is an artist, and Spud came to one of her exhibits and saw she had mostly paintings of flowers and landscapes and he was all, "These suck, I bet you couldn't paint a proper picture." She asked what a "proper" picture would be and he went, "A picture of me." So she painted his portrait, but she ran out of brown in the middle and decided to use yellow and red and green instead, and when she showed it to him he yelled, "This is the worst painting I've ever seen!" Then he stomped off and Sally burst into tears and Professor Peabody came along and helped her smear the colors together to make Spud all brown, and then Spud was all, "Now that's a painting." Please, like a potato wearing a baseball cap would know art.

An Open Letter To Steve Martin 2

2009-02-04T08:02:48Z

Oh, Steve Martin, I have pretty much run out of words at this point. You're such a jerk. What, do you and Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy sit around actively thinking up ways to destroy the basic concept of entertainment? Dude, srsly, I yelled at you about this already three years ago. There needs to be way more going on in that title: A clever pun, a halfway intriguing phrase, or at least just one word that isn't "pink" or "panther". Maybe all of the genius was exhausted with the actual movie itself, but that would clearly be no believable excuse. So just "humor" us for a second. Rub some brain cells together and think of something cute, or at least painfully cheesy.

There are so many shining examples blazing a path before us here. City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Teen Wolf Too. Speed 2: Cruise Control. Mannequin 2: On The Move. Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. Hell, even Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever made an effort, even when they knew no one would ever see it.

Anyway, back to your idiocy. You've had two years since Pink Panther came out to come up with something better than "2", and you didn't. Hey, guess what, though: I did. It took a whole two seconds. Pink Panther 2: Without a Clue. Pink Panther 2: In the Pink. Pink Panther 2: Pink Noise. Pink Panther 2: Agent Pink. Pink Panther 2: Inspect This. Okay, well, that's it, I guess. I'll leave you alone to snuggle with your precious pink boyfriend Number Two there.

TTYN,

Josie

just go ahead and forget everything you read here

2009-01-16T23:24:07Z

I thought this was a thermometer, and I'm pretty disappointed that it's not. I mean, really,
how do they expect me to commemorate what my body temperature was when history was made - with my memory?

Remembering stuff is hard!

Hey, what if Obama used that pen to do the signature they put on that pen? Whoa, I should be careful.
I keep blowing my mind like that, pretty soon I won't be able to remember anything ever again.

Yes We Can, Now Shut Up.

2008-09-19T02:59:02Z

My dad totally fucking hates Obama. For all of these reasons that aren’t even true. Like he said he didn’t like the way he stutters? What? When the fuck did this stutter take place? I’ve never heard him even screw up a word or anything. Maybe that day he had that Joe Biden unveiling event when he accidentally said “the next president”, that’s the only time I can think of where he screwed up verbally. And I don’t really care to be reminded of some time you can remember, since that really isn’t ever the point of anything. Anyway, then he said the reason he can never vote for him is because he's irritated at him for being a smug, arrogant lawyer and he hates lawyers because he says they run everyone’s lives and ruin everything and he’s just bitter because his lawyer in the divorce wasn’t able to get the judge to give him full custody of me. Dude, let go, already. I get the dislike for smug lawyers, and I hate them as well. But Obama isn't a lawyer, he is a law doctor. Actually, so are Bill and Hillary, but he doesn’t have any problems with them. Because, I wish he would just admit it, although I don’t think he’s a card-carrying racist, I still think that's a factor in his judgment. My dad used to be smart, now he’s stupid. So I was like, Obama used to teach a law class at the Uchicag for a few years, but he hasn't ever been like a Sam Waterson lawyer. And as for the running other people’s lives and ruining everything nonsense, not only has he never been a part of any organization or scandal that compromised the integrity of our country or "run" anyone's lives, he's always done quite the opposite. He's been constantly working since he was like 17 or 18 years old or something to rebuild communities full of people whose lives have been damaged by the actual lawyers and politicians and businessmen running everyone’s lives and ruining everything by making these horrible, piss-poor decisions based on greed and power and ass-raping the economy.

So he was all like, “Hillary’s alright, I liked Hillary. Don’t you like Hilarry? I would think you’d be into Hillary.” By the way, “Hilarry” was a typo, but I left it because it was hilarryus. But why would he assume I would be into Hillary? Because I’m a girl. Yo, my vagina is beholden to no political candidate. Well, except Bill Clinton, but that should go without saying. (everyone: yes, please do go without saying it.) Well, yeah, I like Hillary well enough, I guess, and I would have been fine with her as president and totally voted for her if that’s what I had to do in November. But she wasn't who I saw as the best person for the job at this time…or maybe ever. It's so interesting that where people say Hillary is strong, Obama is arrogant. I don't see it, and I'm not just wanting to not see it. All I see is someone who is intelligent, articulate, and confident. Hillary and Bill Clinton are all three of those, too, along with tons of other political figures. No one ever admits it outright, but on a certain level it has to have something to do with race when he has characteristics that if they were about a white politician would be described as integrity, character, and intelligence, but he gets elitist and arrogant. Hillary and Bill are both technically lawyers, too. They didn’t destroy the country. He went on and on for like a mile long paragraph about all of McCain and Palin’s tales of maverick and how they brought the McPain all up in the lobbyist and corrupt politicians’ grills. What the fuck ever, dude. For these supposed mavericks who hate lobbyists and corruption, McCain and Palin don't seem to mind being steeped in both. He also went on for miles about the crap about the economy in the past, and at some point was bitching about the Savings & Loan scandal and how it was like one of the worst economic calamities in recent history, and I was like what's the deal man you are voting for one of the "Keating Five".

Talking about politics with someone who is horribly misinformed is so retarded because they generally already have their mind up anyway and it doesn't matter to them that they're misinformed and I'm like "But they will eat your babies for brunch!!!" and they're like, "Support our troops." Plus they're usually basing their support on emotional or otherwise personal reasons, so it's all tough for them to be objective or to be open to a different way of thinking about things since it isn't just about switching your support from one person to another, it's about switching almost your entire worldview to line up with what the other candidate represents, and that takes more than a few little debates, if it even happens at all. I am just puzzled that so many people with a decent amount of intelligence wouldn't be able to recognize that even if they think that Obama guy is irritating, most likely they are going to benefit directly from the policies he supports and plans to encourage and prioritize, and he would return the country to dreamy Clinton-esque times that were all rainbows and puppies and ice cream with a government that benefited nearly everyone who needed it. He may be inexperienced in Washington, but so was Bill Clinton when he ran in 1992 and I think he proved himself to be pretty awesome. Whatever he couldn't figure out he could get some tips from the qualified people he picked to hang out with him who were experienced and who could help put his ideas to work. That's what Obama will do, and it's clear he already has the vigorous support of all kinds of awesome political specimens - Billary, Ted Kennedy, Al Gore, Joe Biden, Jimmy Carter, Dwight D. Eisenhower’s granddaughter? These are not people who have been coerced in any way to speak as passionately as they have on his behalf, they haven't been swept up by any “fancy rhetoric”.

If I hear one more goddamn thing about how he doesn't respect the troops or he isn't patriotic enough I'm going to stab someone to death with a giant flag pin. I don't know how you can prove that you are patriotic enough. Should he go like make out with the Statue of Liberty or something? Oh please let that happen. America really would be the greatest country ever if that happened. He loves this country just as much as McCain does and clearly more since he doesn’t want to totally fuck it up. He shouldn't need to be a war hero or have 30 years of legislative experience or have a flag tattooed on his face to prove it. Although I would totally vote for a guy with a flag tattooed on his face. He has experience in caring about and understanding issues that affect the lives of Americans, and he has experience in supporting laws and policies that will make the government work to protect and serve people honestly and honorably, and that's what makes you ready to be president. People who try to say he plans to raise taxes and leave it at that have brain damage. The only people who should be "afraid" that he will raise taxes are those who make more than $250,000 a year, and I'm sure they're going to survive just fine if they let go of some extra cash so that other people can eat and enjoy some electricity and not worry about losing their home. Everyone making under that, so basically 99% of America, gets a sweetass tax break. He’s going to send that swashbuckling Wal-Mart smiley face with a sword flying around the US of A first lowering taxes and then stabbing all of the rich people. I can't think of anyone who would be opposed to that. They should film it and show it every ~~Christmas~~ winter solstice. McCain plans to make permanent tax cuts for the grotesquely wealthy 1%. Nice. He doesn't even believe there is an economic crisis going on right now. I'm sure you heard that he said anyone who was talking about suffering economically was just whining. That reason alone is why I could never support him. I'm opposed to a guaranteed future of robbing the poor to feed the rich.

He’s falling for the “McPain = Change!” move. What a gyp. Their track record, no matter how impressive or exciting people are telling themselves that it sounds, doesn't match up to their sudden promise of change. "Change", the way they've appropriated it is now only a campaign buzzword. They totally creep me out and scare me a lot. It scares me to think of a government not interested in helping me get a decent affordable health care plan, to think of an abolished federal minimum wage that would allow states to choose their own amount that would most certainly be lowered, to think of a government interested in discouraging immigrants from being a part of this country, overturning Roe v. Wade, wanting to blow up other countries just for breathing too loud, drowning people trying to get information from someone who probably doesn't even understand what you're saying, shooting people in the face, still not being able to pronounce the fucking word NEW-CLEE-ERR, seriously thinks you can pray away the gay, and still thinks of itself as the greatest country in the world. And to me it is a pretty fucking great country, but not at the expense of another country. We need to stop acting like we're the only country that's worth anything and work towards building and rebuilding our relationships with the rest of the world so that not everyone wants to attack us anymore. I love that thing Bill Clinton said at the Democratic Convention, "The world has always been more impressed by the power of our example than by the example of our power." McPain wants to stay being the example of power, and everyone else with a soul would rather be the power of example again.

Man, issues. I've never cared during an election before. Aside from the one in 1996, but that wasn't a real election. That was just Bill Clinton and us having fun watching Bob Dole not have a chance in frozen hell. I will never be able to care less about an election than in 2004. God that was painful and a complete waste of time. Especially John Kerry. What a droning international buzzkill. I can't remember one single thing he has ever said.

jesuszilla @ 2008-09-14T00:04:00

2008-09-14T07:04:11Z

omg this is so funny

Heart-breaking news: In Touch changed a bunch of their fonts and templates and it all looks really dumb.

in need of a barf bag

jesuszilla @ 2008-09-05T12:38:00

2008-09-05T19:39:01Z

This is what I would look like if I was a tropical storm located within 30 nautical miles of 15.8°N 34.8°W, about 695 mi (1125 km) west of the southernmost Cape Verde islands heading west-northwest near 8 mph.

jesuszilla @ 2008-08-24T22:40:00

2008-08-25T05:40:57Z

I had no immediate plans to ever mention my intense love and fascination with Lingo, because it's one of those things I like keeping as part of my own little personal IRL pleasures, but I saw Chuck Woolery "raise the roof" about a week ago. There was a roof raised not once but twice, spaced around 10 minutes apart, and both times were equally hilarious and thought-provoking and struck fear directly deep down into my bones. This made me finally realize that it really was worth writing a detailed account of other things that have happened on the show that were as hilarious and terrifying.

I've watched Lingo since it started on Game Show Network in 2002. Damn, I know I just started, but I have to digress for a second. Fuck this "GSN" nonsense. I cannot stand this new desire to initialize everything with brands and fast food restaurants that sprung up all of a sudden in recent times. KFC, GSN, TLC, TCM, DQ, UGH. This doesn't really count since the whole name isn't abbreviated, but the one that angers me the most is Sunny D. Well, Sunny D angers me in more ways than just its name change, mostly because of how it doesn't taste good, but "Sunny D" should have remained as the retarded slang that drinkers of Sunny Delight used to try to feel hip for drinking Sunny Delight. For the sake of this argument we're going to pretend that calling it "Sunny D" when it was Sunny Delight actually did make you cool. If the official name of it is what used to be the slang you called it trying to be cool, they have taken that option of calling it "Sunny D" as that retarded slang. If "Sunny D" is the real name for it, calling it that doesn't give you that satisfaction of deviating from the social norm of referring to products using the real brand name. How do you slang up Sunny D? "Sunny"? "D"? Actually, calling it "D" would be kind of cool, but we're going to go heading back towards reality and quit pretending that there is anything you can do with the Sunny Delight name to make it or anyone drinking it hip. Anyone who's anyone should know the purple stuff is where it's at. That and Five Alive.

Okay, so I've watched Lingo since it started on Game. Show. Network. I was instantly drawn to the show for several reasons: I love words, spelling, and the word "balls". It never fails to summon the preadolescent lulz. Try saying the word "balls" without laughing. See? It can't be done. "Reach in there and get you a couple of balls" will never get old. NEVER. When the show started, it was only a lonely Chuck Woolery (who will hereafter be referred to as "Chuck", because we're on a first-name basis at this point) standing at a podium excelling in his duties as the dishonorable Mayor of Snoozeville, and words, spelling and balls were about the only thing the show had going for it. Luckily it dawned on someone that the general audience and Chuck would benefit from a co-host, so in 2003 they brought on Stacey, a skinny blonde with a nice rack and an English accent.

She did liven up the show a bit. She was pretty, and her accent was awesome, and Chuck had someone to talk to. When it was just him alone he stood there, not saying anything other than "helping" the players with their words by telling them there was a letter out of position, and saying every couple of minutes, "reach in there and get you some balls," and "there's your lingo" and "here's a new word", while someone at a computer off-camera typed in the letters and set up the boards and stuff. It was very awkward. When they introduced Stacey, they got her a huge desk and made her the word typist and judge, meaning she would say when the word was misspelled, not a real word, or not in their dictionary. But really she was just there to look pretty. Not a whole lot of people have ever been involved in the production of this show, there's the host, co-host, director, a couple of producers, lights and cameras, and a computer. The whole thing has always had the vibe of a slightly higher-budget production of a show on public access. Despite the fact that only like five people make the show, Chuck insists on occasionally referring to a writing staff. When certain words come up like "drunk" or "lusty" he cackles - or chuckles, rather - disturbingly as usual and says things like "that's our group" and "that sounds like our writers". I never thought at first about what he was saying with that, I just knew it was dumb, then one day my mom goes, "What the fuck is this 'our group' shit? There's no script, and even if the words weren't all randomly generated from a computer, which they are, it wouldn't take a staff of writers to take five-letter words out of the dictionary!" Stacey was only on for a year. They booted her ass out to make way for Shandi, who is lovely and awesome and the best thing to happen to this show. My mom is convinced Stacey was fired because of when she was on Howard Stern one morning and said she loved to lay in bed watching Lingo and smoking weed. I'm convinced they just discovered someone better than her, and I would be shocked if Game Show Network gave a shit if someone working on a game show where they just sat there and put up with Chuck Woolery's creepy flirting the whole time smoked weed. I'm sure they would even encourage it.

Shandi, Shandi, Shandi. <3333 I have an immense crush on Shandi as a human being. I didn't know she existed until I saw her on Lingo, but she was Miss Missouri three times in a row, crowned Miss USA in 2004 and was first runner-up for Miss Universe. Clearly she's beautiful, and she earned a B.S. with honors in psychology in three years. I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't have a crush on her. She even made Dick Cheney smile. I know, I didn't think it was possible, either, but it did happen. I have proof.

........

She is so unbelievably hilarious, seriously. She is constantly making fun of Chuck and the contestants, subtly and a lot of times blatantly. But she's so pretty and sweet-sounding that it never comes across as mean, even when what she's saying is really biting. I love when someone misspells a word, she'll smile really big and go, "Misspelled!" Or if it isn't a word, depending on how mentally challenged the contestants have been up to that point she either goes, "Not in our dictionary" or "There isn't any word spelled that way". Sometimes she and/or Chuck will just bust out laughing if someone makes a really bad guess, it's pretty awesome. It is super awesome how they both usually don't waste any time hiding that they really don't care about most of the contestants. I imagine at least one person has attempted suicide following their appearance on Lingo. You can tell it crushes so many of the guys who come on there when Shandi laughs at them and makes fun of the words they guess and the things they say. There was one guy she kept making comments about how he gave off a really effeminate vibe. Another way she is incredibly awesome is how she takes full advantage of the hilarity of "balls", my favorite instance being the time two girls were drawing balls for the lingo board, the first girl held the ball up in her hand perfectly level with the number straight and visible - the majority of contestants have a hard time holding the ball up for the camera for some reason - and Chuck goes, "Well done." It's quiet for a second while the other girl is drawing her ball, and Shandi chymes in, "Chuck loves the proper positioning of the balls." Then they started laughing and practically ignored the second girl other than acknowledging the number she drew. The contestants-playing-the-game part of the show always seems incidental to Shandi and Chuck saying random shit to each other and laughing at everything.

Chuck is genuinely hilarious sometimes. I'm always surprised when it happens. His hilarity is usually either at the expense of the contestants or himself, though. Man, he certainly doesn't have any qualms about being himself. Sometimes I kind of wish he'd be a little less real. It is pretty awe-inspiring how, um, "in the moment" he always is, which is not a problem necessarily except I think he forgets a lot of the time that there are other people in that moment with him. Actually, I'll just use his own words against him to exemplify everything I'm trying to say. There was a guy who mentioned in the two seconds after the first commercial break - time designated for Chuck to feign interest in hearing the contestants say something about themselves - that he was a recent college graduate who was still trying to "find himself", and Chuck was like, "Oh, well, yeah. Good luck with that." Then he moved on to the next person, and after he was done talking to everybody, when they were starting the game back up, Shandi said, "Hey, Chuck, [whatever the guy's name was, I can't remember] said he was trying to find himself, have you found yourself?" He said, "Yes, I did find myself, and when I found myself I introduced myself to myself and we've had fun ever since." !!! My mom and I were just like, "WOW." There's really nothing else that can be said. It pretty much says everything that ever needed to be said. At least about Chuck Woolery. The best part was the way he laughed after he said it. It all went beyond words right there.

Here are a few things I've learned through the years.

How many contestants from Love Connection did Chuck score with?
Answer: All of them. Even the ugly ones, just because he could.

He looks like a degenerated Paul Johansson.

You can really see the resemblance here.

I have such an unspeakably inappropriate crush on Paul Johansson. I really shouldn't speak about it. I also wish to state officially and emphatically that I do not have a crush on Chuck Woolery, just so we are absolutely crystal clear. Although I can see why he's had so many ladies. Unfortunately I can also see why he's been divorced three times, that's the problem. Well, it's one of the problems.

In 1996, he had quadruple-bypass heart surgery.

After Shandi came on the show he started incorporating other "catchphrases" to more or less replace "that's our group". He still says it sometimes, but more in the context of when someone guesses a really "hard" word, like "aorta" or "chaos", he says, "Our group would never come up with that." My mom said there should be a drinking game for his little sayings, and my theory is that Chuck has already established his own drinking game by using the little sayings for when he watches the show later.

The first thing is at the beginning, he says, "Welcome to my neck of the woods." Oh GOD this bothers me so much in screaming ways. I am so frightened of the facial expression he makes at the camera when he says it. I have a hard enough time looking at the screen and making eye contact with him when he's looking straight into the camera, it feels like he's really looking at me. For a while he changed it to, "You have now entered my neck of the woods," but he quickly changed it back to the other way not too long after that. I can't even describe how much that went beyond bothering me. Let's just say it always makes me think of one of my favorite jokes where a pedophile is taking a little boy into the woods and the little boy says, "Mister, I'm scared of the woods at night." And the pedophile goes, "You're scared? I gotta walk out of here alone!"

The most troubling part about Chuck's neck of the woods? HE DOESN'T HAVE A NECK

One of my "favorites" is when players have drawn a lot of balls and haven't gotten a lingo, but they have a lot of options for a lingo open on their board, he says, "Nibblin' 'round the edges." Note that it is not "nibbling around the edges". It's "nibblin' 'round the edges". That's an important distinction, because it makes it all the more hilarious. Usually he only says it after they draw a ball that opens up like their fifth or sixth lingo opportunity, so it really is sort of a way of saying like, I don't know, "Man, you sure keep drawing balls and not getting a lingo." But sometimes he says it way too early, like after they open up just a third lingo option, and it drives me crazy and I yell at him for not understanding when to use the saying he came up with using.

Ugh, this one is so irritating. It's so funny that he hosts a show where they play a game he is so bad at. He rarely pays attention to letters that have already been used that aren't in the word we're trying to guess, and all the time when someone guesses a word and it's clearly not going to be it, he'll get really confident and go, "Mayyyy-beee." And it's like, no goddamnit, they've already tried one where the "o" didn't light up! At least he's aware that he sucks at the game, but it doesn't make it any less nerve-racking seeing as his game sucking is so very audible and never stops. Shandi tries to tell him gently sometimes when he's completely off-base, like, "Did you see there isn't going to be an "o" up there, Chuck?" I love this one time when she told him something and he goes, "Why did I not know that??" and she said, "It's okay, Chuck. I'm the brains, and you're the beauty." And what's kind of sad is she's right. She knows so many obscure words off the top of her head, and she is always defining tons of words for Chuck. A contestant used a fancy word once and he asked her what it meant, and I wish I could remember which word it was, but it doesn't matter. She told him, and he thought it was a really cool word for some reason, and at the end of the show after the bonus round was over he goes, "Man, I gotta tell you, I will never forget about [whatever the word was], that was just really neat." Then he turned to Shandi and said, "What did that mean again?"

Shandi frequently makes comments to Chuck about him being metrosexual. I think it started when he wore a pink satin tie on one of the shows. He had on a grey suit with pink pinstripes and that pink satin tie and she said, "You're looking very metrosexual today, Chuck." Then he said wearing the suit made him feel like a "gay gangster boss". I still haven't recovered from that one.

The word was "thong" one time, and Chuck went, "I was just thinking 'thong'. (pause) Not in the context of the show, though."

He's fond of recapping things minutes or even seconds after they happen. Something happens that blows Chuck's mind and he gets excited and busts in to explain what happened in the past minute of game play: "Now you see what just happened there was they couldn't get it, and then it passed over to you, and you couldn't get it either, and then it went back over to them and then they finally got it." I think he's just excited about being able to understand something going on. And at the end of the game he likes to point out where the winning team had the advantage over the losers. He'll go, "Man, you know, you were really good players but you just couldn't ever get those words spelled in time." Then they really weren't that good of players, were they? I like when he explicitly points out that the winners were better than the losers, like saying, "They were on top of it the whole time, you just didn't have much of a chance against them." One time he got so dramatic and said, "Well, you know, they kept taking the game away from you and never gave it back, they never have and they never will." He said it so matter-of-fact. He made it sound like it was going to be some lifelong competition between the two teams that would last forever or something. Not only did you lose against them right here, but you are going to continue losing to them for the rest of time. I wish I could have seen some of the beatings administered in the Lingo parking lot.

There was, again, some word that blew Chuck's mind, and his exact words were, "Man, I don't even know how the guy who makes up these puzzles thinks up this stuff." Sometimes I randomly think of this and start yelling at him in my mind about why every word in this sentence is wrong.

It makes me real sad to think about a world without Chuck Woolery. He's an American institution. A mental institution.

It also makes me real sad that they cancelled Lingo this year. My head exploded tears when I heard this. WTF, GSN.

jesuszilla @ 2008-08-15T16:36:00

2008-08-15T23:36:57Z

I know everyone has been waking up in a cold sweat every night worried that I would never put together another Heronim puzzle, I'm so sorry for that. I should have mentioned that I put one together last month. I can't believe I didn't. There was really no reason not to, since I probably wasn't talking about anything anyway.

It was super cute, and it kept making me hungry the whole time.

"Maple Sugaring"

For some reason when I was putting together the River View Cider Mill house I kept imagining a party going on inside. I just imagined a bunch of people inside smoking and drinking and dancing. It just makes sense.

I know I already mentioned how much I adore his little people, but I don't care. I'm mentioning it again. They are so cute!! I want to live in his world. He makes everything look like fun. He even makes standing around holding a spoon up in the air look like fun.

jesuszilla @ 2008-08-03T18:28:00

2008-08-04T01:29:03Z

An Open Letter To Shia LaBeouf

Shia, sir. First off, I'd like to let you know if you experience any problems with double vision at any time while you're reading this, sometimes it helps to close one eye. Okay, now that we have that out of the way.

I have seen the cover of the September issue of Details magazine, and there's something you should hear that I've been meaning to tell you for like three or four months, or whenever I read the GQ from this year with you on the cover.

I really hate to be the one that has to tell you this, but somebody needs to, and I just can't keep seeing you do this to yourself anymore.

SHIA SAIDE LABEOUF YOU SHAVE YOUR FACE RIGHT THIS SECOND YOUNG MAN

There, that about covers it, I think. Oh, and quit smoking. If you don't you're going to get Andrew McCarthy face when you get older. No one wants that.

Love,

Josie

p.s. You can make it all up to me by dressing in complete clown face paint and costume for at least one week. That would be so awesome.

jesuszilla @ 2008-07-31T14:50:00

2008-07-31T21:50:43Z

Well, it's been two years since 2006, so you know what time it is.

~ * THE GOODSPACEGUY IS BACK BITCHES * ~

That's right. And he's done with that "Michael" shit. He's straight up Goodspaceguy now. That whole "normal first name" thing really was keeping him too much tied down to Earth. If he doesn't shed his last name and come back in 2010 as just Goodspaceguy, I'm going to be very disappointed. I'm voting for this fool, by the way, in case there were any doubts. I want to go to space. Plus he wants more movies filmed in Seattle. And if he won Stephen Colbert could better know him on Better Know a District. He won't ever win, of course, but man, what if he did, right? Goodspaceguy times, that's all I'm saying. Or so I'm led to believe.

It's so exciting to see how far he's come in just the past four years. Or how far he's gone, I guess. Each time he changes his name, his political aspirations get downgraded.

2004

2006

2008

So I'm sure you're all wondering the same thing as me right about now:

Why on Earth does he not have a MySpace?

The world may never know. Or care.

And finally:

Yeah, I'll bet this guy prefers the green party.

Way to look totally baked in a picture,
Duff "Prettyspacedguy" Badgley.

jesuszilla @ 2008-07-29T11:48:00

2008-07-29T18:48:15Z

People who run like T. Rex are hilarious.

I mean, people who run like T. Rex and don't mean to be.

Also:

This headline rules pretty hard.

mister rogers wants to show you something...

2008-07-29T03:04:55Z

Oh MY GOD this is so funny I cannot stop watching it.

Seriously, every time when it gets to the end I'm like crying I'm so hysterical.

jesuszilla @ 2008-07-25T14:06:00

2008-07-25T21:06:59Z

I hand fed a squirrel - a live one, with both eyes in its sockets - almost an entire roll of Smarties this morning.

I went to walk the little trail by the lake around 8am, and when I got back to the beginning I sat down on a bench under a tree and ate some Smarties. (I have at least five or six rolls of Smarties with me at all times.) A squirrel dropped down out of the tree onto the bench next to me and he stared at me while I was saying hi and asking him how he was doing and apologizing for not having anything for him. He just raised up on his hind legs and put his hands up like a dog begs for food and I was like, damnit I wish I could feed him something. Some stupid bicycle went by and scared him off the bench, but he stayed there on the ground, and when I turned around he was still on his hind legs with his hands up, looking at me. I thought, oh my god, does he want a Smartie?

HE DID

I only had one or two left by then so I got out a new roll, and I guess he thought he wasn't getting anything because he gallivanted over to the tree. I followed him over, though, of course, and when I got there he'd climbed up about halfway, but I crinkled the wrapper and it got his attention and he came back down to the ground. Then I tip-toed over and tossed him a Smartie, and he picked it up and started munching on it!! IT WAS SO.CUTE. He stopped after eating about half of it, and he turned around and dug a little hole in the ground and buried it. He looked at me and stood up on his legs, and I was like

omg

SQUIRREL EATING SMARTIES

Or actually, SQUIRREL BEGGING FOR MORE SMARTIES. With the second one, I held it between my thumb and forefinger and he just took it from me with his teeth. Then he carried it a foot or so from where we were, dug a little hole, and buried it. And he did that for almost the whole roll. There are 15 candies in a roll, and he took 10 of them and buried them in different places under the tree. After that he hopped off and I went back to the trail. There are a lot of insanely cute things in the world, and seeing a squirrel on its hind legs holding a Smartie with both hands and gnawing at it right in front of me is definitely in the top five. Right along with seeing a squirrel burying a Smartie in a hole and filling the hole back up and patting the ground a bunch of times to pack down the dirt.

jesuszilla @ 2008-07-20T19:07:00

2008-07-21T02:07:11Z

So the In Touch crossword, it's written by some guy, right? And when I read through the clues each week, I like to create a scene about what it sounds like he's got going on while he's coming up with the clues. It started from noticing things like "Moo Goo Gai ___" and "Popular soda brand" close together, I was like, "This guy's having some lunch." Well, it wasn't difficult figuring out what was going on in his life for last week's crossword. Dude was ill.

Every so often I fill in some clues, forgive me. Once I noticed the "theme" of the clues, though, laughing about that distracted me from doing the rest of it. That happens a lot.

"In need of a barf bag" makes the whole thing pretty clear what's going on. He probably had the flu. The story goes like this:

Cough syrup ingredient/Pepto-: His friend brings him some NyQuil and Pepto-Bismal.
Do surgery: "I think you're overreacting a little."
Tick off: "Shut up, I feel horrible."
Jab with a finger: "Does this hurt?"
Make a boo-boo: "I just crapped my pants."
"So long, amigo!" : His friend leaves.
Angry feeling: "God, I hate that guy."
Headache remedy: "God, I hate my job."
In need of a barf bag: "God, I hate my life."
"On Demand" TV station: This clue was stupid. TMC? No one ever demands that channel.
___ indigestion: I think this guy probably eats too much Moo Goo Gai ___.

A little bit later he takes some aspirin and starts to feel better, and chows down a tuna melt at T.G.I. Friday's with a bunch of his nincompoop friends, and gets his ass kicked for looking at that guy's girlfriend. Then he goes home and cries finishing a bottle of bottom shelf whiskey. And this was one of his good days.

ka-chung-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch

2008-06-25T18:22:34Z

I don't think you realize the extent of the restraint of my desire on a daily basis to talk about Family Matters, partly because I don't like talking about one thing too often to avoid zapping the freshness out of any one subject for myself and/or any others, but I'm going to let go of that restraint for today because my god, I am so excited for it to be back in reruns soon. I know, I have the whole series, I can watch it whenever I want - and oh, I do that, don't you worry - but it's so much more fun knowing it's being forced on everyone else. It is going to categorically own the Nick at Nite block, which, face it, has been way too stale, lifeless, not to mention way too white, for way too long now. I never watch anything on there, but I watched Home Improvement the other day because I was curious what the promo spots were like, and damn that channel, they didn't play one until the very last commercial break so I had to watch almost an entire episode of Home Improvement. But it was worth the wait. I loved their promo, and it also helped me see a big reason why I love the show.

The show itself is incredibly, visually attractive and comforting. Maybe my perception is influenced because I already know what's inside what I'm seeing, but I don't think so. The sets and the clothing and the people are warm and vivaciously colorful and alive, and smooth. There is a cocooning softness to it, like a really comfortable t-shirt. Even just watching the promo was relaxing, especially in contrast to Home Improvement. I don't know when exactly it happened that I became attached to this show like I did. Eventually it dawned on me that it was one of the only things that helped me calm down during a time when I was feeling rattled and agitated pretty much all of the time. I have to admit, though, I sort of miss that time when I used to think it was stupid. Whereas before I would be like, "What the hell is going on," now having watched every episode in order at least twice and over half of the series at least three times, I know exactly what the hell is going on so it's hard to see anything coming out of nowhere or not making sense. Or more accurately, I can easily see when something does come from nowhere instead of just not understanding something taken out of context. It actually has impressive continuity that I didn't fully expect. I can still realize its ridiculousness, and not everything that happens on there is gold, but after I saw how wonderful it is I can't make fun of it the way I did without forgiving it and even finding that ridiculousness wonderful. The point is, if I can't ultimately love people I identify with, what does that say about me?

I took the "Which Urkel Are You?" quiz on the new Family Matters section of the Nick at Nite website a few hours ago, and I hoped it would say I was Myrtle Urkel, because she is awesome to the nth degree, but I am Steve. Cheeses, y'all, tell me something I haven't known now for years already. Just thank Urkel I'm not Original Gangsta Dawg. I think I would have to seriously consider ending my life in a most horrendous way.

Well, check it, I have one thing left that I think would be a good note to go out on: It occurred to me recently that my middle name is damn close to being Winslow. All you have to do is change two letters and add a sibilant, and bim bam boom - I have further blurred the line between fantasy and reality.