After four weeks of writing nothing, it would be pretty appropriate for me to write a bunch of things that have nothing to do with each other, am I right? Or am I write? Hells yeah. You're regretting this entry already. Here are things I've scribbled in a little notepad the past couple of weeks so I wouldn't have to do too much thinking once I did decide to try to form thoughts into sentences.

The new Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos are pretty fucking addictive. If only they would introduce a Spicy Nacho/Spicy Sweet Chili combination for that questionable line of "Doritos Collisions", my life could be complete. I dig spicy. The image on the front of the bag is also pretty fucking awesome, and clears up any doubts you may have concerning the amount of spiciness Doritos has infused into these chips: It's a couple of Doritos, surrounded by FLAMES. !!!!  I haven't experienced the Sweet part of the chip flavor yet, however, but I see sugar and fructose in the ingredients list so they must be sweet at some point and I just don't know it. Maybe they should have put some icing or sprinkles or something around the other chip so I wouldn't be having all of these doubts.

I saw this thing being spread around and it looked kind of fun: Choose one word to describe me ... just one single word. Leave it in my comments.

I've been transferring all of my old Colbert Report tapes over to dvd the past weeks, and I've really enjoyed seeing some old classic commercials from 2005 and 2006 that I couldn't stand, like the one for CoinStar where all of those ass pennies crawl by themselves from out of drawers and couch cushions onto that table to form a giant shoe, and the horrible antidrug ad with that demonic kid sitting in an empty lunchroom singing, "Bah bah black sheep, have you any E? Yes sir, yes sir, first hit's free. They push it on your buddy, they push it every day, they push it on the little boy who lives down the way. Bah bah black sheep, have you any E? Yes sir, yes sir, first hit's free." Then dramatic voiceover dude goes, "How much do your kids know about drugs? It's never too early to start talking to your children about drugs." Okay, first off, it's a lane they're living down in this nursery rhyme, fools. Second, they're right, you know. If you start talking to kids about drugs when they're 6 or 7, you give them an extra 5 or 6 years advantage on their peers for researching the vast selection of drugs available to them and figuring out which ones will be right for them. I bet this kid they used on the commercial didn't know what "E" was before he made the commercial, but now he does, and he probably started doing it all the time. Way to go, Drug-Free America. Third, if I've said it once, I've said it too many times: I miss that Vehix guy!! My favorite one was him on a call-in radio show and there was a crash-test dummy sitting next to him looking super unhappy to be sitting next to the Vehix guy. Somebody called in with a safety question and the Vehix guy answered it and then leaned over and said, "That was all you, dude." And the crash-test dummy just sits there blankly like, "I'm not even alive." I also like the one where that little girl kicks the Vehix guy really hard in the shin. Take that, Vehix guy.

I went to the store one night for a roll of quarters, and the guy at customer service was all kinds of jive. This tall black guy with a huge afro-puff was standing behind the counter and looking pretty high doing it, and he didn't notice me when I first got there so I had to ding the bell to get his attention. He still stood there for about a minute looking somewhere else before he realized I was standing there just enjoying standing there watching him not realizing I was standing there. Then he looked over and went, "What up, son?" That threw me for a second, because I didn't think that question would ever be aimed at me since I am not a son, then I asked if I could get a roll of quarters and hilarity ensued: He threw his hands up in the air and went, "Heyyyy-ellll yeah!" I don't think I'm alone in thinking all interaction with human beings should be so awesome.

Looks like Ashlee Simpson wentz and completely ignored me about how much Pete Wentz sucks. Way to go for her, I guess, except now she has to change her name to Mrs. Ashlee Simpson Wentz Away. Barf. I did like the idea of her Alice in Wonderland themed wedding, though. I can't wait for In Touch to show pictures so I can find out what that actually means. I really want them dressed up as Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum.

Speed Racer!!!!    <33333   There aren't enough exclamation points in this world.

This happened last year but I forgot to say anything about it. I came across it written down in a notebook while I've been spring cleaning: I was at Target walking down the main aisle that runs through the store and I saw a woman looking up at the directory sign for that floor. She was squinting and trying to read the sign, and when I passed by her I heard her ask the person standing next to her: "Does that say 'optical'?" I don't think I need to say anything about why that was hilarious.

I wrote this in January or end of December or something, I can't remember. It was on the same page as the Target anecdote: I was watching an episode of One Tree Hill from the fourth season and there was a scene where the camera went in close on Brooke's report card to focus on her failing grade in Calculus, and I noticed one of the other classes on the report card was Philosophy, and the Philosophy teacher's name was Sartre. Man, I wish Sartre had taught Philosophy at my high school. I guess that means Sartre lives in Tree Hill. I can see that.

This used car lot down the street had this inspirational message up on their sign for a couple of weeks a couple of weeks ago: "Helping Others Just Seems To Be The Way To Go". It sounds so angry and like irritated at the prospect of helping others, like whoever put it up there really wished that helping others could be avoided but it just can't be so you might as well get used to it, okay?

I fell down the stairs about a month ago. It wasn't as dramatic as it sounds, but it did hurt a lot. I was just casually walking downstairs, not going fast or anything, and my foot slid on the carpeting on the stairs and I fell back and hit the edge of the first step and slid down the first five stairs, bump bump bump slinky-style. When I stopped, I just slumped back against the wall to the side of the stairs and sat there to calm back down and get my bearings, and after about a half minute, all of a sudden I heard this blare really loud from this Looney Tunes tape I had on: "I TAWT I TAW A PUTTY TAT". Oh my GOD, this was so much worse and more painful than falling. If I ever get to have three wishes granted by a genie, my first wish will be for Tweety to manifest in front of me so I could gouge out his eyes using his own claws and then set him on fire and I don't know, eat him or something. I had a big angry looking bruise on my lower back for a week or so, it made me feel pretty tough.

Here's something that's bothered me ever since I started listening to that awesome radio station Movin' two years ago: "Jammin'" - why in the shit is this song in rotation on a station called MOVIN'?? Actually, just why is it a song in the first place, but I guess it's too late for that. The entire song makes me cringe, but the line "jammin' in the name of the Lord" angers me a lot for some reason.

I've been watching The Prisoner. I love it.

Finally, So You Think You Can Dance is one of my favorite shows ever. I am so much in love with this guy..


Oh, wait, there's one more important thing I almost forgot to mention: Rapper LIL' MAMA drank orange juice from a jewel-encrusted baby bottle at Room Service in NYC on April 28. I don't know if this is a world I want to live in anymore.