My mom and I went to Walmart this past weekend and got an incredibly chatty mulleted butch lesbian cashier who talked the whole time about her shitty employee discount and when she worked at Schuck's she got a 20% discount on parts and repairs except for oil and lube jobs, which I really did not need to hear or think about. She told us about three or four short tales of various employee discounts, and I really loved when she prefaced the last story with, "Did I ever tell you about my debit card incident?" She was the Walmart employee of the month. She said she really liked helping customers have the best possible Walmart experience. I was pretty scared and glad to leave.

I'm going to start a band and call it Existential Funk, and we won't even have to play any music, because life is pretty much meaningless so why bother. We're going to be the greatest band in the world. Or the worst. Depends on your perspective.

A couple of months ago Amazon added our zip code to their grocery delivery service, so we finally got to start having groceries delivered through the Amazon grocery store, which is so, sooo, sooo, SO! awesome, I cannot emphasize that enough. It doesn't completely replace going to an actual grocery store since they occasionally don't carry particular things we want, but what they don't have is few and far between, and the most important thing is they have amazing produce that we not only don't have to dig around and find, but what we're getting we would just never be able to find in such good shape anywhere in the first place.

You know how Amazon always tries to be "helpful" when you search for something like a lot of search engines going, "Did you mean [something spelled kind of the same]"? Last night when we were putting an order together Amazon had something awesomely retarded and off base to say about every goddamn thing I searched for.





If I search for the exact brand name the way it appears on the packaging and it takes me to a page of results, that sounds like one successful search with no additional help necessary, but um, guess not, apparently. Just out of curiosity I thought I would see what "Stauffer's" was, though, since they brought it up and everything and I've never heard of anything called Stauffer's.





So why the fuck suggest searching for it then if it doesn't exist? Moving on.






I actually put "Triscuit" initially, returning a page full of Triscuit choices with "Did you mean: triscuits" at the top that was totally irrelevant to everything but I still clicked on "triscuits" anyway to make the link feel like it meant something. Then I saw "biscuits" and got a craving for biscuits and put some biscuits in my virtual buggy. So I guess Amazon won that round. But now they are going to lose.






That's how it responded to "Marie Callender's".










And that's how it responded to "Martinelli". I searched for Martinelli - did I mean Martinelli's? Martinelli's - did I mean Martinelli's's? Martinelli's's - did I mean Martinelli's's's? Martinelli's's's's's's's's's's? I don't know what anything means anymore now, thanks.



Well, I just spent three swooning hours watching Jesus starring Jeremy Sisto as Jesus. That's right, THE Jeremy Sisto. He is so dreamy!!!! Yes, four exclamation points were necessary. His royal dreaminess commands it.

Tiny Billy Idol button says hey.

Hey, tiny Billy Idol button. This shouldn't require much or really any explanation for why it's all kinds of greatness. I hate that you can't tell it's really tiny. The smallness of it makes me laugh. I can't believe so much excellence was crammed into a 1" circumference and then ended up at a thrift store with the pin on the back caught on the bottom of a wicker basket of random buttons of varying sizes selling for 10 cents each. I rescued it and now it's pinned on the piece of red fabric in the red bedroom corner. When I first got it, when I was in 9th grade, it spent a couple of weeks pinned to the front of one of the arm straps of my backpack, but then one day it fell off and I got scared to take it out of the house anymore. That has to be how it ended up where I found it, falling off and disappearing, someone couldn't have actually chosen to part with it. Because that suggests they weren't into Billy Idol anymore. Wow, the sadness of that possibility leaves me so dumbfounded I had trouble even just typing the words.

Billy Idol looking off in the distance, smoking and contemplating. Reflecting on why he rules, I imagine. Life must suck pretty hard for anyone needing more than that to illustrate the greatness of this button.

btw

Yay

http://www.tvshowsondvd.com/news/State-The-Complete-Series/11738 !!!

exclamfuckingnation pointszzz

I have been meaning to say this for a couple of weeks. Pizza Hut's new slogan is the most a-fucking-mazing thing I've ever heard.




!!!

GENIUS



That is all.


Oh, and one more thing:


THAT is all.



As you were.

I am about to scream, even though I totally expected this bullshit to happen. Obama was not making fun of the Special Olympics or retarded people. He was saying the way Leno was clapping about his bowling score was like how you clap for someone in the Special Olympics. The only people upset about this are people - people who aren't retarded - on behalf of Special Olympics. I want to hear from an actual retarded person who was offended and feels oppressed by this obviously friendly joke at his own expense. Did the man flail around spastically and drool and say he bowled retardedly? That would be making fun of retarded people and in a public context uncalled for, unless you were being Jay Leno, at least. I've been known to do that every now and then around people I know really well. [But not always necessarily while emulating the retarded.] I wouldn't ever feel guilty for that, because I wouldn't ever condescend or make fun of retarded people directly or personally and I actually think retarded people are really awesome and wouldn't be surprised if there were a lot of retarded people who were better than me at most sports. These people upset at him feel guilty for secretly laughing at retarded people and automatically interpret a reference to "Special Olympics" as "making fun of retarded people" and are now trying to appease their guilt and show how much they paid attention in that mandatory diversity sensitivity class they had to go to by rushing in to stand up for an entire classification of people they obviously feel aren't capable of standing up for themselves, rather than choosing to bypass a kneejerk reaction and have a sense of humor and focus only on what he talked about which was the whole reason he went on the show in the first place. That sounds retarded to me. Besides, don't forget this is Mental Retardation Awareness Month. Obama was just doing his part to make sure everyone was aware. You know who else has been doing a pretty good job making everyone aware of retarded people? CEOs who give themselves and people who don't even work at a company bonuses.

This whole thing is making me pretty angry. You know what would cheer me up? If Obama issued the following statement:

"Hi, this is Barack Obama. Welcome to Retardation: A Celebration. Now, hopefully with this I'm going to dispel a few myths, a few rumors. First, the retarded don't rule the night. They don't rule it. Nobody does. They don't run in packs, and while they may not be as strong as apes, don't lock eyes with them. Don't do it. Puts them on edge. They might go into berzerker mode, come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows. You might be screaming 'no, no, no' - all they hear is 'Who wants cake?' Let me tell you something: They all do. They all want cake. Well, that's it for the celebration. The most important thing to remember is, they are just like you and me."

It really wouldn't do him any favors to do that, but it would be amazing to hear him make a Strangers with Candy reference.

I don't even know what to say. It's hard to develop thoughts while I'm careening through a swirling black hole of fond, terrified memories. There goes yet another one of my nagging unsolved mysteries of something I saw on tv or in a book as a kid that I have/had zero details about that weren't completely disturbing and sounding like I'm not talking about something that could have even been real, thus rendering my sad search for information full of blank stares and mock referrals to psychiatrists, like Teeny Little Super Guy and the Munch Bunch. Well, good news, y'all. Slowly but surely, in your face crickets and tumbleweeds, I'm solving these mysteries and validating my vague ramblings.



I've been trying for way too long to find proof of the weird blue cartoon character trying to tell people about safety in PSAs for Duke Power I had sketchy memories of when I was little in North Carolina, but that was all I had to offer as a description, and what made the whole situation even more hopeless was by the time I was trying to remember this thing I lived in Seattle and knew no one who would have seen a commercial from North Carolina in the '80s. Except my mom, of course, but she remembered even less about it than I did. I received enough of a lack of help trying to describe the Munch Bunch to other people, so I kept the Duke Power mascot to myself. But I just found him!! His name was Zax, and he was a misshapen blue alien robot...um, thing, with an apparent death wish. His schtick was shoving metal utensils into electrical outlets and making toast while taking a bath and then being berated by a gang of children who always came along just in time to delay his inevitable death once more. Hmm. Well. So that's what I've been trying so hard to find information about. How bathetic. Can you believe "bathetic" is an actual word? It means anticlimactic, but sounds like "pathetic" with a sinus infection.

The wikipedia entry for Zax is pretty great, I can tell whoever wrote it was as angry as I was about not being able to remember anything or find any information about it:

"Zax was a cartoon robot employed by the Duke Energy (then called Duke Power) Corporation in the early to mid '80s to educate children on the dangers and how not to waste electricity. The voice of Zax was portrayed by Charlotte weatherman Larry Sprinkle.

In 1984 Duke Power decided to release a series of Public Service Announcements to educate children on how to be safe and use electricity efficiently. These cartoon PSAs featured a small, eager to learn robot named Zax, and a group of children who constantly had to keep Zax from getting injured or killed by electricity.

In the late '80s to early '90s Zax seemed to have disappeared all together. There is no mention of Zax on the Duke Energy website or anywhere else online. It's almost as if Duke Energy were trying to erase him from history. However, someone such as Zax who had such a profound effect on children of the '80s will never forget how much they learned from him."

There was also this equally hilarious and intense comment left by emilykepley on an electrical safety video in the "related" section where she expresses that she's "tried to find ANYTHING about zax online, and there is absolutely nothing to document his existance!!" She typed the words out of my mouth.

The filmstrip is pretty amazing. Embedding has been disabled by request, but everyone should totally watch it, if only to marvel at how it's a filmstrip that has been converted to video by turning it into a series of still frames matched with the filmstrip audio, and all of the stills show everyone's mouth wide open. One thing that will always be hilarious: Being frozen, with your mouth wide open, while your disembodied voice continues to be heard.

Zax is a fucking moron. "All this learning makes me hungry!" Oh, Zax. I hope they eventually just let him destroy himself. "Here, Zax, why don't you go take a bath and chew on a frayed live wire and don't come out until you're done. Emphasis on don't come out."

I am so disappointed that Duke Power/Energy/Whatevs has never taken advantage of the "Duke" and created a Dukes of Hazzard parody ad. It would be amazing, and full of hilarity and awesomeness. Well, it would be if I was in charge of things:

Bo and Luke are the Dukes of Hazard, helping folks in Hazzard County avoid and prevent electrical accidents because of their poor safety precautions due to years of chugging moonshine and inbreeding. Boss Hogg is the chairman and principle shareholder of Duke Power, and Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane always finds himself in dangerous situations getting hurt with electricity, because he is so focused on catching Bo and Luke and also he is legally retarded. He would be like, "I'm a get you varmints!!" running across someone's property, and he stumbles over the cord of an old ghetto radio on the ground that is plugged into a nearby generator, and gets the cord all wrapped around his leg and it makes him fall into one of those blue plastic swimming pools. He's okay, though, being electrocuted doesn't actually make him die for reals, since everyone in Hazzard County is immortal and not subject to the laws of the nature. But he is mighty steamed, especially since he let them Duke boys get away, and Boss Hogg is going to get his hide for this when he finds out. There are many lessons we can learn from Roscoe here: Not running on other people's property, not leaving radios or anything plugged in near water, and not messin' with Bo and Luke Duke, who are fixin' to blackmail Boss Hogg for all of the government bailout money he's been stealing and then giving to himself in bonuses. This message has been brought to you by your enemies at Duke Power.

Why can't I be in charge of things? I've been saying that shit for years.

25. I loved 2008. There was just so much moving forward in all directions than ever. It was dynamite.

24. I saw Coraline on Saturday, and the theatre guy admitted me at the children's price just automatically. I didn't say anything, of course, but it was actually sort of embarrassing for once on a certain level since I didn't even ask for it and it didn't even save that much money anyway.

23. I go to a church only once a year, for Ash Wednesday. Even though I've always been private about my faith and feel uncomfortable "being" a Christian in concert with anyone else, observing Ash Wednesday is meaningless without the ashes and communion. Nothing puts life into perspective like memento mori.

22. My favorite movie is Sling Blade. I could watch that movie every day for the rest of my life and get something out of it every time. It's the movie equivalent of "Good Vibrations".

21. I sometimes spend an hour or longer just sitting in front of the mirror examining myself.

20. I've been thinking of what I would put on this list of 25 things for about a week now.

19. I love, love, love Britney Spears' Circus. Like listening-to-on-repeat-several-times-over-in-a-day totally addicted.

18. I discovered the magic of apple cider vinegar around April or May last year, and oh my god it rules so hard. I started off just drinking it, then I added on bathing in it and pouring it on my hair before washes. I haven't been sick or had a split end since.

17. We took an IQ test at the beginning of the quarter in some class I took about the brain 6 years ago and I scored a 133, and then at the end of the quarter we took the same IQ test again, at 10 in the a.m., after a night of solid drinking and smoking that had only ended a little under an hour before I took this IQ test, on which I scored a 135. True story.

16. I get really overheated and flushed easily in a warm environment, especially around my neck/throat and ears. It makes me cranky and light-headed.

15. Waiting for transportation and walking slow drive me crazy. I get jittery and restless.

14. I have a symbol from Kyle XY on my stomach.

13. I am fascinated by puzzles and word and number games. My favorite is one I got around my birthday last year called Triominoes. My least favorite is one I got with it called Tri-Tac-Toe. Man, fuck that, I can't even figure out how to fit the pieces in the little tray where you try to solve it. [edit: I just noticed it is actually called "Think-Tac-Toe", which really makes it suck even more.]

12. I'm a pretty emotional person, and I hate when someone gets in the way of how I'm feeling.

11. I have a congenital thyroid disorder that manifested when I was 11 but took 3 years of differential diagnoses to figure out and 2 years to stabilize because less than 5% of the world has been identified with it and most of them are in Japan because Japan is the only country that had ever conducted a study about it. Ugh.

10. I've taken 12 different pills every morning and night starting from when I was 13.

09. I cannot fucking stand asymmetry. Or odd numbers.

08. Nicolas Cage is one of my favorite actors. Yes, it feels weird to say that, but seriously, he's really fucking amazing. Just look at his appearance as Brad's Bud in Fast Times At Ridgemont High. He was so amazing, he didn't even need to speak!

07. I have very few constants in my life, and no routines. I hate feeling locked in.

06. I have a healthy amount of self-esteem and consider myself to be really pretty, but nine times out of ten I won't accept a compliment.

05. I have a crush on Chris Matthews.

04. I loves me some pesto.

03. I don't wear a bra. Ever.

02. The way I normally act when I'm being friendly is usually interpreted as flirting or me being in love with them or something. I hate this because it means I can't do the things I want to do as someone's friend all because of their dumb issues that have nothing to do with me.

01. As of right now, I have the following Munch Bunch books: Meet the Munch Bunch, Adam Avocado, The Banana Bunch, Bounce, Button and Tiny, Chunky Pineapple, Corky Coconut, Corny-on-the-Cob, Dick Turnip, Lucy Lemon, Nurse Plum, Olive, Peanut, Pedro Orange, Pete Pepper, Percy Prune, Pippa Pear, Professor Peabody, Runner Bean, Sally Strawberry, Spud, Supercool, Tom Tomato, Wally Walnut. The bold ones are first editions. I think I'm done getting them, the ones that are left don't really interest me enough to justify spending money on. Well, Rory Rhubarb's story sounds kind of cool: Rory's friends overlook all his strange habits and consent to look for an elusive beast he tells them about. I just haven't come across it yet. You know, these characters have such harsh situations. I almost cried during Sally Strawberry. Sally is an artist, and Spud came to one of her exhibits and saw she had mostly paintings of flowers and landscapes and he was all, "These suck, I bet you couldn't paint a proper picture." She asked what a "proper" picture would be and he went, "A picture of me." So she painted his portrait, but she ran out of brown in the middle and decided to use yellow and red and green instead, and when she showed it to him he yelled, "This is the worst painting I've ever seen!" Then he stomped off and Sally burst into tears and Professor Peabody came along and helped her smear the colors together to make Spud all brown, and then Spud was all, "Now that's a painting." Please, like a potato wearing a baseball cap would know art.

Oh, Steve Martin, I have pretty much run out of words at this point. You're such a jerk. What, do you and Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy sit around actively thinking up ways to destroy the basic concept of entertainment? Dude, srsly, I yelled at you about this already three years ago. There needs to be way more going on in that title: A clever pun, a halfway intriguing phrase, or at least just one word that isn't "pink" or "panther". Maybe all of the genius was exhausted with the actual movie itself, but that would clearly be no believable excuse. So just "humor" us for a second. Rub some brain cells together and think of something cute, or at least painfully cheesy.

There are so many shining examples blazing a path before us here. City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Teen Wolf Too. Speed 2: Cruise Control. Mannequin 2: On The Move. Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. Hell, even Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever made an effort, even when they knew no one would ever see it.

Anyway, back to your idiocy. You've had two years since Pink Panther came out to come up with something better than "2", and you didn't. Hey, guess what, though: I did. It took a whole two seconds. Pink Panther 2: Without a Clue. Pink Panther 2: In the Pink. Pink Panther 2: Pink Noise. Pink Panther 2: Agent Pink. Pink Panther 2: Inspect This. Okay, well, that's it, I guess. I'll leave you alone to snuggle with your precious pink boyfriend Number Two there.


TTYN,


Josie

My dad totally fucking hates Obama. For all of these reasons that aren’t even true. Like he said he didn’t like the way he stutters? What? When the fuck did this stutter take place? I’ve never heard him even screw up a word or anything. Maybe that day he had that Joe Biden unveiling event when he accidentally said “the next president”, that’s the only time I can think of where he screwed up verbally. And I don’t really care to be reminded of some time you can remember, since that really isn’t ever the point of anything. Anyway, then he said the reason he can never vote for him is because he's irritated at him for being a smug, arrogant lawyer and he hates lawyers because he says they run everyone’s lives and ruin everything and he’s just bitter because his lawyer in the divorce wasn’t able to get the judge to give him full custody of me. Dude, let go, already. I get the dislike for smug lawyers, and I hate them as well. But Obama isn't a lawyer, he is a law doctor. Actually, so are Bill and Hillary, but he doesn’t have any problems with them. Because, I wish he would just admit it, although I don’t think he’s a card-carrying racist, I still think that's a factor in his judgment. My dad used to be smart, now he’s stupid. So I was like, Obama used to teach a law class at the Uchicag for a few years, but he hasn't ever been like a Sam Waterson lawyer. And as for the running other people’s lives and ruining everything nonsense, not only has he never been a part of any organization or scandal that compromised the integrity of our country or "run" anyone's lives, he's always done quite the opposite. He's been constantly working since he was like 17 or 18 years old or something to rebuild communities full of people whose lives have been damaged by the actual lawyers and politicians and businessmen running everyone’s lives and ruining everything by making these horrible, piss-poor decisions based on greed and power and ass-raping the economy.

So he was all like, “Hillary’s alright, I liked Hillary. Don’t you like Hilarry? I would think you’d be into Hillary.” By the way, “Hilarry” was a typo, but I left it because it was hilarryus. But why would he assume I would be into Hillary? Because I’m a girl. Yo, my vagina is beholden to no political candidate. Well, except Bill Clinton, but that should go without saying. (everyone: yes, please do go without saying it.) Well, yeah, I like Hillary well enough, I guess, and I would have been fine with her as president and totally voted for her if that’s what I had to do in November. But she wasn't who I saw as the best person for the job at this time…or maybe ever. It's so interesting that where people say Hillary is strong, Obama is arrogant. I don't see it, and I'm not just wanting to not see it. All I see is someone who is intelligent, articulate, and confident. Hillary and Bill Clinton are all three of those, too, along with tons of other political figures. No one ever admits it outright, but on a certain level it has to have something to do with race when he has characteristics that if they were about a white politician would be described as integrity, character, and intelligence, but he gets elitist and arrogant. Hillary and Bill are both technically lawyers, too. They didn’t destroy the country. He went on and on for like a mile long paragraph about all of McCain and Palin’s tales of maverick and how they brought the McPain all up in the lobbyist and corrupt politicians’ grills. What the fuck ever, dude. For these supposed mavericks who hate lobbyists and corruption, McCain and Palin don't seem to mind being steeped in both. He also went on for miles about the crap about the economy in the past, and at some point was bitching about the Savings & Loan scandal and how it was like one of the worst economic calamities in recent history, and I was like what's the deal man you are voting for one of the "Keating Five".

Talking about politics with someone who is horribly misinformed is so retarded because they generally already have their mind up anyway and it doesn't matter to them that they're misinformed and I'm like "But they will eat your babies for brunch!!!" and they're like, "Support our troops." Plus they're usually basing their support on emotional or otherwise personal reasons, so it's all tough for them to be objective or to be open to a different way of thinking about things since it isn't just about switching your support from one person to another, it's about switching almost your entire worldview to line up with what the other candidate represents, and that takes more than a few little debates, if it even happens at all. I am just puzzled that so many people with a decent amount of intelligence wouldn't be able to recognize that even if they think that Obama guy is irritating, most likely they are going to benefit directly from the policies he supports and plans to encourage and prioritize, and he would return the country to dreamy Clinton-esque times that were all rainbows and puppies and ice cream with a government that benefited nearly everyone who needed it. He may be inexperienced in Washington, but so was Bill Clinton when he ran in 1992 and I think he proved himself to be pretty awesome. Whatever he couldn't figure out he could get some tips from the qualified people he picked to hang out with him who were experienced and who could help put his ideas to work. That's what Obama will do, and it's clear he already has the vigorous support of all kinds of awesome political specimens - Billary, Ted Kennedy, Al Gore, Joe Biden, Jimmy Carter, Dwight D. Eisenhower’s granddaughter? These are not people who have been coerced in any way to speak as passionately as they have on his behalf, they haven't been swept up by any “fancy rhetoric”.

If I hear one more goddamn thing about how he doesn't respect the troops or he isn't patriotic enough I'm going to stab someone to death with a giant flag pin. I don't know how you can prove that you are patriotic enough. Should he go like make out with the Statue of Liberty or something? Oh please let that happen. America really would be the greatest country ever if that happened. He loves this country just as much as McCain does and clearly more since he doesn’t want to totally fuck it up. He shouldn't need to be a war hero or have 30 years of legislative experience or have a flag tattooed on his face to prove it. Although I would totally vote for a guy with a flag tattooed on his face. He has experience in caring about and understanding issues that affect the lives of Americans, and he has experience in supporting laws and policies that will make the government work to protect and serve people honestly and honorably, and that's what makes you ready to be president. People who try to say he plans to raise taxes and leave it at that have brain damage. The only people who should be "afraid" that he will raise taxes are those who make more than $250,000 a year, and I'm sure they're going to survive just fine if they let go of some extra cash so that other people can eat and enjoy some electricity and not worry about losing their home. Everyone making under that, so basically 99% of America, gets a sweetass tax break. He’s going to send that swashbuckling Wal-Mart smiley face with a sword flying around the US of A first lowering taxes and then stabbing all of the rich people. I can't think of anyone who would be opposed to that. They should film it and show it every Christmas winter solstice. McCain plans to make permanent tax cuts for the grotesquely wealthy 1%. Nice. He doesn't even believe there is an economic crisis going on right now. I'm sure you heard that he said anyone who was talking about suffering economically was just whining. That reason alone is why I could never support him. I'm opposed to a guaranteed future of robbing the poor to feed the rich.

He’s falling for the “McPain = Change!” move. What a gyp. Their track record, no matter how impressive or exciting people are telling themselves that it sounds, doesn't match up to their sudden promise of change. "Change", the way they've appropriated it is now only a campaign buzzword. They totally creep me out and scare me a lot. It scares me to think of a government not interested in helping me get a decent affordable health care plan, to think of an abolished federal minimum wage that would allow states to choose their own amount that would most certainly be lowered, to think of a government interested in discouraging immigrants from being a part of this country, overturning Roe v. Wade, wanting to blow up other countries just for breathing too loud, drowning people trying to get information from someone who probably doesn't even understand what you're saying, shooting people in the face, still not being able to pronounce the fucking word NEW-CLEE-ERR, seriously thinks you can pray away the gay, and still thinks of itself as the greatest country in the world. And to me it is a pretty fucking great country, but not at the expense of another country. We need to stop acting like we're the only country that's worth anything and work towards building and rebuilding our relationships with the rest of the world so that not everyone wants to attack us anymore. I love that thing Bill Clinton said at the Democratic Convention, "The world has always been more impressed by the power of our example than by the example of our power." McPain wants to stay being the example of power, and everyone else with a soul would rather be the power of example again.

Man, issues. I've never cared during an election before. Aside from the one in 1996, but that wasn't a real election. That was just Bill Clinton and us having fun watching Bob Dole not have a chance in frozen hell. I will never be able to care less about an election than in 2004. God that was painful and a complete waste of time. Especially John Kerry. What a droning international buzzkill. I can't remember one single thing he has ever said.

omg this is so funny



Heart-breaking news: In Touch changed a bunch of their fonts and templates and it all looks really dumb.

in need of a barf bag

This is what I would look like if I was a tropical storm located within 30 nautical miles of 15.8°N 34.8°W, about 695 mi (1125 km) west of the southernmost Cape Verde islands heading west-northwest near 8 mph.

I had no immediate plans to ever mention my intense love and fascination with Lingo, because it's one of those things I like keeping as part of my own little personal IRL pleasures, but I saw Chuck Woolery "raise the roof" about a week ago. There was a roof raised not once but twice, spaced around 10 minutes apart, and both times were equally hilarious and thought-provoking and struck fear directly deep down into my bones. This made me finally realize that it really was worth writing a detailed account of other things that have happened on the show that were as hilarious and terrifying.

( welcome to my neck of the woods whether you like it or not )

I know everyone has been waking up in a cold sweat every night worried that I would never put together another Heronim puzzle, I'm so sorry for that. I should have mentioned that I put one together last month. I can't believe I didn't. There was really no reason not to, since I probably wasn't talking about anything anyway.

It was super cute, and it kept making me hungry the whole time.

( sugar rulz )

An Open Letter To Shia LaBeouf

Shia, sir. First off, I'd like to let you know if you experience any problems with double vision at any time while you're reading this, sometimes it helps to close one eye. Okay, now that we have that out of the way.

I have seen the cover of the September issue of Details magazine, and there's something you should hear that I've been meaning to tell you for like three or four months, or whenever I read the GQ from this year with you on the cover.

I really hate to be the one that has to tell you this, but somebody needs to, and I just can't keep seeing you do this to yourself anymore.





SHIA SAIDE LABEOUF YOU SHAVE YOUR FACE RIGHT THIS SECOND YOUNG MAN


There, that about covers it, I think. Oh, and quit smoking. If you don't you're going to get Andrew McCarthy face when you get older. No one wants that.


Love,

Josie


p.s. You can make it all up to me by dressing in complete clown face paint and costume for at least one week. That would be so awesome.

Well, it's been two years since 2006, so you know what time it is.


~ * THE GOODSPACEGUY IS BACK BITCHES * ~

That's right. And he's done with that "Michael" shit. He's straight up Goodspaceguy now. That whole "normal first name" thing really was keeping him too much tied down to Earth. If he doesn't shed his last name and come back in 2010 as just Goodspaceguy, I'm going to be very disappointed. I'm voting for this fool, by the way, in case there were any doubts. I want to go to space. Plus he wants more movies filmed in Seattle. And if he won Stephen Colbert could better know him on Better Know a District. He won't ever win, of course, but man, what if he did, right? Goodspaceguy times, that's all I'm saying. Or so I'm led to believe.

It's so exciting to see how far he's come in just the past four years. Or how far he's gone, I guess. Each time he changes his name, his political aspirations get downgraded.

2004


2006


2008


So I'm sure you're all wondering the same thing as me right about now:

Why on Earth does he not have a MySpace?

The world may never know. Or care.

And finally:

Yeah, I'll bet this guy prefers the green party.



Way to look totally baked in a picture,
Duff "Prettyspacedguy" Badgley.